Those old feelings coming around again.

These feelings that are re-surfacing, I fear giving them a voice or putting them down on paper. Doing either will make them that much more real, giving them credence and substance. I thought they'd lost validity long ago but, I find myself nearing a crossroad, once again.

I can’t make the leap. I don't have enough faith. Is this all in my mind? Am I making it up? It wouldn’t be the first time where I’ve incorrectly filled in the blanks with my ego and inflated self-image.

A part of me yearns for a change and fears it so. I can’t decide what it is I want. Is it infatuation or true emotion?

They’ve lasted for so long but could they be a deeper rooted need? Do I have a need to break free?

I’m living two separate lives, each running apart from the other but ultimately on a collision course. End result will be a train wreck. Beyond, a brand new horizon.

I don’t want to hurt or be hurt. But pain is inevitable.

Way dramatic, huh?

Sheesh.

Would you believe I wrote it?

Mindlessly digging through my files, I came across, traumatically named "pain.doc" which I'd penned summer of 2002. I altered the original content for clarity, removed a personal sentence, but the gist is there. I was struggling to make sense of my feelings then.

Sorting my memory, I remember the 1999-2000 incident, the details of which are seared into my consciousness, hence the "feelings that are re-surfacing," but 2002 seemingly was calm, so I thought, yet I despaired.

Coincidentally, I find myself at that crossroad again, struggling for clarity in my feelings.

Please be indulgent of me, while I work through this emotional quagmire, seeking my true voice, my honest voice.

I'll be back with verve and more snark.