Unsureness

Has anyone seen my ego?

I've been severely lacking in confidence lately. Being a Leo, that's a very, very bad thing. My id and superego have been at odds with each other. Neither is winning but I'm losing.

Has anyone seen my ego? Please tell it to call home, I miss it.

I'm feeling lost without something to ground me, to assure me. I question everything I'm doing, I question how I'm thinking. I have too many questions and no answers.

I've been having those dreams again, the ones where I'm running through subway tunnels, dodging trains and third rails. In them, I have to get somewhere but where? Even though I'm dreaming, there's a sense of familiarity. In the last dream, I took control, realizing I know how to get out of this. I found someone else trying to get out too. Strangely enough, I think I know who it is, but I'm not certain. He followed me around, through a marble lobby. Through glass doors, we arrived in a white room with gilded walls. I walked up to a safe, a familiar safe that I knew how to open. "You're going to set-off the alarm," he pleaded but I continued. With the turn of a golden screw, the door popped. I heard movement in the hallway, shadows racing towards us. I calmly pulled out two pendants, handing one to my faceless companion. Somehow I knew, I couldn't wear this pendant with my jade buddha. I removed it, throwing away the chain but holding fast to my buddha. Putting on the pendant, the dream faded and I awoke.

Vivid huh? I wish I could remember all of them like this but it's usually the useful ones I recall.

Back to "Where is my ego?"

I can't even take comfort in the things that make me happy: BF, dancing, PSP, video games, robots, anime. I've been going through the motions.

But…

…I think I know how to fix me. The way I'm feeling is probably because I feel pressure to create this holiday card/invite.

I'm putting all this angst on myself.

Yeah, seems kinda silly huh? My mind is such a fragile thing. I pour myself into it.Until the card gets done, I won't feel happy about anything else. I would like to think I have time, but it's quickly dwindling.

Sigh.

Just have to breathe and get down to business. Wish me luck.