Psychotic Drunken Train Bitch

I've avoided posting about the omnipresent, crazy people on subways. Too easy, fodder is everywhere. However, I'm compelled as I had to deal with one this evening.

Its my own fault. Who knew that two words, "Excuse You," would incite a torrent of belligerence from a 5 ft woman.

It was a crowded train. Standing by the door, holding the pole with one hand and the other the iPod™, enjoying last week's episode of "Lost." She barreled into the train, crushing into me, her shoulder fitting neatly in my armpit.

Excuse You. *dripping with sarcasm* I said
Excuse me? she snorted incredulously.

She launched into a tirade, loudly. Hey, looks like I got a live one here.
Laying into me, loudly, she ranted about how accidents happen and its a crowded train and people step on other people's feet and it happens.Forgive the repetition, I'm merely repeating. I have edited some. 'Doesn't mean you can say 'excuse me' I responded, matter of factly. She stated, loudly, I should get over it and this happens. Stating, loudly again, "I've had a really bad day and I don't need this shit."

She also said, guess how? loudly? yes, "I didn't have to be a tough guy… and shit."

Me? A tough guy? HA. Well, I could be. I was fairly stoic while she made a fool out of herself. I did shoot back with pithy, little quips and sarcastic snipes.


Louder makes you right, huh? I queried. This elicited a howler monkey-like response.

Sometime after I first looked down at her anger wrung face as she spat her vitriol, I was struck by the pungent scent of alcohol. A quick, cursory search, I realized the stank was coming from her. Pissed at 7:15, I really know how to pick em.

Still, I maintained an even-toned voice, inciting her to scream some more. Essentially, the other people on the train not in the direct vicinity, could only hear her manic screaming.

You don't know what I can do. She threaten.

At this point, I removed my iPod™, putting it safely away, in an inside jacket pocket.

I swear, she flinched and jumped at my innocuous action.

What're you going to do? She screamed.

This time… I looked at her incredulously.

I may have been playing the tough guy, but I'm a principled man… and gay. I would never have struck her, even if she was a psychotic, drunken, train bitch. Maybe she suddenly realized that I could be someone having a much worse day and ARMED. I could blow her sorry ass away. Alas firearms aren't my thing and even if they were, too many witnesses. I wasn't particular moved to action either. Shortly before she threatened "you don't know what I can do," I realized the 6 ft. tall knucklehead standing behind her, was her companion. He was a classy thing, snacking on sunflower seeds and throwing shells to the train floor. Good catch. You two should hold on to each other.

No. Any physical action would have been reprehensible. Too many people. I would have had to go balls out bananas to take him down. They're would have been too many innocent caught in the fray.

Regardless, she shirked away, removing herself from my arm's distance, muttering something, more to save face than directed at me. Letting her get the last word, I let the argument die.

This happened in the span of two train stops, the second being mine.

I locked and loaded one last retort, only to be used if she sniped as I left.

It remains in the chamber.

Rats.